There I was, buried with the burden of others opinions, impressions and viewpoints.
"How did I get here?", I would commonly ask myself while in the quest for a sense of truth and meaning that constantly nagged deep within my core.
Then it hit me, I asked for advice. Shit! Well meaning people gave me their truth when what I really wanted was guidance to my own.
Others had fear responses and were so triggered they completely disengaged.
I got the common, "I'll pray for you, Robin!" and similar cheerleader responses when we don't know what else to say to someone in pain.
Looking back it was the rare person that did nothing that I appreciate the most.
No consolation, no words of wisdom, no programs, courses or burdensome tasks to engage. I was at the end of myself, SURRENDER. These few people knew it and most importantly, let me sit in it, loving me exactly where I was.
There is a lot of talk about surrender, but it feels topical in nature, as if it's a procedure or a treatment at a day spa.
"Dude, let go and let God!" one person chanted at me, almost with an air of frustration that I wasn't as developed as her. Some people just won't get it, much less be okay in their okayness to be okay in your NOT-okayness. (I realize you'll have to read that several times. Sorry)
This year I embraced a highly personal and spiritual experience of total surrender. No resistance to anything, only total acceptance of all that was...especially the experiences thought to be "wrong" or "bad".
My life became 10,000 shades of grey with black and white being something not made for the infinite variances of this planet, so highly vibration and with mysterious patterns.
It wasn't neat and tidy.
No, it was quite messy in many, many ways, actually terrifyingly embarrassing...but the wheels were in motion and there was no turning back.
I made a commitment to end this depression battle at any cost and this was the war of freedom.
I came to believe myself, anxiety and fear left the marrow of my bones, trust was restored in the universal rightness of grand timing as I humanly struggled through a deeply spiritual experience.
Freedom. It's the famous Hero's Journey (Joseph Campbell) we must take and it looks unique for us all.
Through this I've learned so much about love, my spirit has lost all its limiting and often radical judgements, replaced with a compassion for all of humanity.
Yet, in this blissful softness, in the dancing and singing and tears of joy, there is a strength that permeates through my veins, causing a self-healing release and transcendence into what feels supernatural.
It's different than the spiritual drunkenness from past religious or seeking practices that rendered me slightly useless to the daily requirements of life.
It takes a strong person to live his own life, embrace self-reliance and self-actualize into what he was intended to be.
It's an imperfect journey, with no graduation and the only rainbows are the ones you pass along the road intended as passion fuel to keep you going. This imperfection, well...it's what makes it so beautiful.
Sending strength and love as you too walk your path.